Trust

Trust n. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

Trust is such a difficult thing. It requires faith, faith in a person or thing, faith that that person has your best interests at heart, faith that you can rely on that person or thing no matter what. In some ways I am a very trusting person, yet that has changed over time as everything does.

When I was a kid I had that kid's sense of wonder, faith and trust in all and everything. I knew that everything and everyone was trustworthy and I had nothing to fear. That changed as I got older. I slowly realized that depending on my parents, not the best idea. My friends I could always trust. Eventually I just stopped trusting people in general. It was around this time that I started finding my trust placed elsewhere, specifically my eating disorder.

My eating disorder offered me an escape. It offered me a safe place, someone I could trust. I put my faith in ED and everything was great. That is until my health and weight went dangerously downhill. And so it was that once again I had placed my trust in someone and again been betrayed. So now I am again learning to trust.

I am learning to trust myself, trust my instincts. I am learning to explore to overcome my fears by facing them. I always loved a challenge when I was younger and I am learning to find joy in the challenge once again. Most importantly I have found someone I trust who is helping me explore and helps me see when ED is trying to may a comeback. It feels so good to be able to place my trust in someone whom I know cares about me again. I love learning to let someone in, let someone see the real me. I want to stay like this. I want to get back to my life. I want to live my life without ED and I am on my journey to do so.

If At First You Don't Succeed....

Try, try again. Well that's what I'm doing. Life keeps throwing curve balls but all I can do it go with it. My anxiety does not make this easy but over the years I have learned some techniques for managing anxiety and I am working with it. Life goes on and it does not wait for you to catch up. Though I do not have a job this summer and only a couple days a week are taken up by my internship I find that this summer has been more stressful than my school year. It seems that I will not get a break. Being "home" is so overwhelming, difficult, frustrating that I found myself going back to my eating disorder, my comfort zone in what seems like a war zone. I know that I cannot handle conflict well. I slipped fairly far back into behaviors before I was ready to ask for help. Unfortunately my first request for help fell on deaf ears so I closed up again until I was at the point where I needed to have ensure to make it through the day. Then I tried again this time going to my old therapist, finally help. Going to her was just what I needed, reassurance that I was not crazy, that nothing in my family had changed in the 3 years I'd been in recovery and dealing with my issues, that of course I was hurting and that it was natural and I did not need to play out my feelings on my body nor take out my anger, fear, frustration with my family on my body. My body is not a war zone. I can be me and I will be me.

Now I can get back to what is important to me. I can read. I can write. I can just be. I can stand up for myself. I will not fight other's battles for them. I will not get involved in my family's conflicts as they are, as my therapist constantly reminds me, not my problem. I will focus on myself and my needs. I will get to know what my body is telling me and listen to it. Most importantly I will heal. On my own and with my friends and real family, those who act as such.

And Life Goes On

"I took some time out for life." -James L. Brooks

Well it's not so that I took some time out for life as much as it is life took some time out for me. I know that it's been a looong time since I've written and there are many reasons for this. First, it's been crazy here. Conflicts, fights, avoiding, therapy, boyfriend, eating disorder difficulties, the farm (aka animals), etc. Things are changing here, perhaps, finally. Who knows what will happen. Mom might be finally losing her grip on the family. But for me it's a little too late. I have realized that for my health I cannot be around her for any period of time. Coming home has once again been a HUGE mistake. I cannot come back next summer. It hurts a lot but she has many issues of her own to deal with before I can have a real relationship. I cannot allow myself to be hurt over and over in this fashion. I do not know if she does it on purpose, I'm pretty sure she does not, but at this point I have tried to tell her what I need and again and again she ignores it. So as much as I hate it I have to protect myself if she will not.

Next I fall and open my knee. Of course since I wanted to get home and didn't want to wait for the rain to stop which then resulted in running in the rain which then resulted in my slipping and falling, it's my fault, clearly. Well at least according to my mother. So thus another reason I cannot be around her. I'm just very tired of all of this.

On the bright side I have been doing really well with my ED and have been following my meal plan for the most part the last few days. But that's all for now. I'm exhausted.

Peace, love and hope~

Everything's Falling Apart

It seems like I'm just going backwards and falling back into patterns. First with the eating and how with the cutting. I can't stop it. I feel like crap. I know it's my choice but sometimes I don't feel like I have a choice. It hurts. It hurts feeling alone. It hurts being home. I feel so lost and scared and confused. I just want everything to go away. I've been really depressed and thinking of suicide but I couldn't do that to my friends and my boyfriend. I just want to be better but I don't at the same time.

Grant Me Serenity

So what has been going on in my life? Well my chest pain has been on the rise as has ED. I started cutting again. Only one incident but it was not great. Life is still stressful and crazy. The family stuff isn't getting any better but I'm dealing with it. I'm trying to take things slowly but who knows what will happen. I haven't been on much so I haven't written in a while. Maybe that's part of the problem, that I haven't been able to get it out.