I am really really really struggling. I keep cutting back and going to the gym whenever I can. I am extremely stressed and having a hard time focusing, especially with reading which is what I have most of. I am losing hope if I haven't already lost it. All I can think about is how fat I am. I have two mirrors in my room which aren't helping any, one right across from my bed. I hate feeling like this all the time. I hate the feeling of food in my stomach. I don't know what is wrong or why this is happening. I just want it to go away. I hate my body and I hate everything about myself. I just want to sleep, curl up in my bed and not go anywhere or do anything. I especially don't want to eat. I don't understand why this is happening. I don't understand why I just want to lose weight and be skin and bones. I know, logically, it makes no sense and is wrong so why do I want it so badly. What is wrong with me? I'm so confused and scared. I just want to disappear. I can't deal with everything. I have to get through finals but I don't know if I can. I can barely concentrate. I just feel like I can't do any of this and I don't want to. I just want to stay in my room and starve, leaving only to go to the gym because when I go to the gym I feel better.
You can do this. I am right there with you, spiralling out of control with the behaviors. But there's GOT to be another way. You are not fat. And it's not about your weight anyways. It's about you feeling like you're not good enough the way you are. Anna, I promise you, you are beautiful and kind and a wonderful young woman. None of this has anything to do with your weight, and changing your weight won't change any of these things or how you feel about yourself. You know as well as I do that the difference between thin and thinner or hungry and hungrier will not make us feel any better about ourselves, it just sets us on that negative spiral where all we do is think about food/working out/weight ALL DAY. We're both in school--we don't have time for that. You are a smart girl, and the world needs your intellect, so don't waste it trying to destroy yourself. And your boyfriend needs you. He loves the healthy, beautiful Anna, the Anna you are deep underneath all the lies your eating disorder tells you. Honor that Anna. He loves her, and so you must learn to love her, too, because she is a beauty. Remember that this is about so much more than food. And so eating less will not fix how you feel. Losing weight will not fix how you feel. It will just drag you deeper in.
ReplyDeleteLove you girlie. I relate-- you are not alone. But I know that you are a fighter and you CAN do this, you CAN, you CAN, you CAN. Sending lots of prayers and hugs your way <3
love love love you
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