Well, I did it. I survived life at Klarman and have returned home. It's not the smoothest transition nor the easiest. Being back in the environment I was when I was still sick is hard and I have had a few slips but I am moving forward. Yes it is hard but I have done this before so I know that I can do it and this time I have my boyfriend. Sure he is not living in Vermont anymore but he is my main source of support outside my treatment team and I know I can reach him if I need to and just knowing that he cares helps. While behaviors have changed drastically since I was last home, my mind is still the same prison it has always been. I find myself hating this body more than ever and morning the lose of my eating disordered one. I wish there was a switch I could flick to turn off my brain but sadly there is no such thing. I work and work on reframing my thoughts but I just keep doing the same thing over and over. I wonder if I will ever be "normal," but what is normal anyway?
Looking through my journal from treatment and before I do see the progress I have made and it gives me hope. I did a lot of very hard work in treatment and I know that I need to continue that work if I want to truly recover. Some of my first steps in treatment were to make sure that my scale was removed from the house and other methods of body checking were disposed of. The scale was the hardest thing to get rid of but I felt so much better after doing so. I still have moments of regret associated with relinquishing my hold on a means of monitoring my weight but I know it was the right decision. If I had my scale, I would be quickly back to where I was before treatment. As it is I have to resist the urge to purchase a new one. I feel so torn. Within me I have two sides at war and I am pulled between the two. I can't get my eating disorder to shut up or leave me alone. Since entering my range everything has just gotten so much worse. The notion of "just losing a few pounds" is so strong but I know what it leads to and I don't want to go there. I don't want to throw away all the work that I have put into getting to where I am. I keep trying to stay positive but some days I just want to hide from the world and disappear all together. Fighting that urge is sometime the only thing I can think about. I feel like I am losing energy to keep pushing through and I am hoping that I can get to a better place before I do.
Looking through my journal from treatment and before I do see the progress I have made and it gives me hope. I did a lot of very hard work in treatment and I know that I need to continue that work if I want to truly recover. Some of my first steps in treatment were to make sure that my scale was removed from the house and other methods of body checking were disposed of. The scale was the hardest thing to get rid of but I felt so much better after doing so. I still have moments of regret associated with relinquishing my hold on a means of monitoring my weight but I know it was the right decision. If I had my scale, I would be quickly back to where I was before treatment. As it is I have to resist the urge to purchase a new one. I feel so torn. Within me I have two sides at war and I am pulled between the two. I can't get my eating disorder to shut up or leave me alone. Since entering my range everything has just gotten so much worse. The notion of "just losing a few pounds" is so strong but I know what it leads to and I don't want to go there. I don't want to throw away all the work that I have put into getting to where I am. I keep trying to stay positive but some days I just want to hide from the world and disappear all together. Fighting that urge is sometime the only thing I can think about. I feel like I am losing energy to keep pushing through and I am hoping that I can get to a better place before I do.
Fight on, sweet girl. YOU can do this. I am so proud of you for how hard you've been working, and I know you will get through this. Sometimes, it seems to get harder before it gets easier but things won't stay this difficult forever. There is freedom waiting for you, so keep fighting those disordered thoughts. You have a healthy voice in there, so choose to listen to it even if it's only whispering. Sending lots of love, prayers, hugs, and support your way <3
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