Well I came home last night. My boyfriend brought me back and I fell asleep on the way back. I am now in egg-shell land and have to be vigilant all the time. Meals will be late and with the parental units with comments make all the time. I don't know how this is going to be. I don't think things will go well with me here. I am seeing my psychiatrist this week and I'm supposed to make an appointment with my doctor. I don't really want to do that but I know I have to. I'm going to try to make it so that my boyfriend takes me instead of my parents. I want to change my emergency contacts so that my parents are no longer my emergency contacts but that's a whole other story.
I am home and while my kitties make me feel better I also have to deal with my mother and that doesn't go well. I brought my scale home which made my boyfriend disappointed in me but I'm not ready to give it up. I just don't know how to do this. I know deep down that what I'm doing is wrong, that I should not be restricting but I can't stop. I can't seem to trust my boyfriend completely about this. I want to believe him but ED has a hold on me. I am so tired of fighting that I don't know if I want to keep it up. I almost wish that I could be a Renfew but I don't have time for that. I am just so sick of all of this but I can't give it up. I feel horrible about it but it's so hard. I feel bad because I'm constantly disappointing my boyfriend. He is trying to hard to be helpful but I'm not getting better so it's frustrating for him. The guilt from not getting better even though he's trying so hard to be helpful is just making everything so much harder and I know he doesn't want me to feel guilty but I can't help it.
I am home and while my kitties make me feel better I also have to deal with my mother and that doesn't go well. I brought my scale home which made my boyfriend disappointed in me but I'm not ready to give it up. I just don't know how to do this. I know deep down that what I'm doing is wrong, that I should not be restricting but I can't stop. I can't seem to trust my boyfriend completely about this. I want to believe him but ED has a hold on me. I am so tired of fighting that I don't know if I want to keep it up. I almost wish that I could be a Renfew but I don't have time for that. I am just so sick of all of this but I can't give it up. I feel horrible about it but it's so hard. I feel bad because I'm constantly disappointing my boyfriend. He is trying to hard to be helpful but I'm not getting better so it's frustrating for him. The guilt from not getting better even though he's trying so hard to be helpful is just making everything so much harder and I know he doesn't want me to feel guilty but I can't help it.
You don't need to feel guilty for struggling. But you do need to take care of yourself. Use your boyfriend for support, and start to take steps forward, little by little. This is totally doable. Ditch the scale, ditch the guilt, ditch the negative self-talk. You are a BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING, SWEET, KIND woman. You deserve better than starving yourself into a relapse. You deserve to be healthy and whole and kind to yourself. I know it's hard, but you have to make yourself a priority. Keeping you always in my heart and prayers. Love you sweet girl and thinking of you <3
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