It's no secret that I have not been doing well lately. My weight has dropped and my caloric intake has plummeted. I am cold all the time and tired. I know this is bad but I can't seem to stop myself. A part of me has merged with my eating disorder and ED/Ana is holding on as tightly as she can. I just want to be thin I keep telling myself. I know that people say that I am too thin but I don't believe them and why should I? Ana doesn't think so and I know that what she says is the law. But then I look at what I have just written or often thought and realize how sick and twisted this all is. Slowly starving myself to death, is that really what I want to be doing with my life? I know there are people who care about me and I know it hurts them to see me doing this to myself and I know deep down that it is wrong, but there is that persistent nagging feeling saying no, no they are all liars. You don't need them. They don't tell you the truth. You are fat and ugly and stupid. Lose weight and everything will be okay. But it won't be okay. I know I won't be okay and I don't care. What is wrong with me? I thought that I was stronger than this but I am not. I am so tired that I just want to give in and make it simple, thinking if I give in eventually I may find some peace. I wish that were true but I know it is false and yet I still listen. Why? That is the question that everyone, including myself, asks. Why? I do not know and that scares the hell out of me. If I don't know why I'm doing this how can I figure out a way to get better? How can I fight this? When I stop and really think about it I am terrified of what could go wrong. There is so much uncertainty in my life. Is this one way to make something certain? That I know I can lose weight? Am I trying to take control of something, anything? Yes and no are answers to all those questions. When I went to the health center for my weigh in this week the nurse had me stand on the scale twice. I do blind weights but she didn't believe the number so she wanted to double check. Have I really lost that much weight since last semester? People say I don't look good but I don't see that. I look in the mirror and receive a tirade of all the things wrong with me and how fat and ugly I am. I feel like crap all the time and I would do anything to change that, anything but eat, says Ana. Do I dare disobey her rules? Do I have the guts to defy her? I don't know but I do know that if I don't start doing so soon I will have a lot more things/issues to deal with than I already do and I don't think I can handle that. So, I need to suck it up and start fighting with every ounce of strength I have and pray that it's enough.
Will you be at the PWC meeting tomorrow night? I don't care if you look sick or healthy or anything in between. It's *you* I want to see. I don't understand everything that's going on your mind, no one but you can, but I understand more than may be obvious. If you feel up to it, I would really like to talk with you.
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