As a woman who is struggling and has struggled with an eating disorder I have been warned against getting a scale as it would make life and recovery worse. But I did not listen and I have a scale and I cannot let it go. Everyone says I should get rid of it, that it is only making things worse and that I would get better without it. But I don't think that is true. I think either way it is not great. Without the scale my anxiety would go up because I wouldn't know. I would not know what my weight was and so would be consumed with thoughts of what my weight was. With it I can control my anxiety a bit more by knowing what the weight is. I don't want to give that up. I know I am struggling but I can't give up my scale. I am scared. I know I am scared and I know that my fear is fueling my struggles, not only with my eating disorder but also with my self-harm which has started to emerge again. I feel like I'm falling apart and the semester hasn't even started yet. I'm scared what will happen when the semester does start. However I am taking some classes I am really looking forward to and I hope that will help me. I have talked to my psychology adviser and she knows what is going on and has offered to be a support which is wonderful. I just wish that I could change all of this. I am tired and I just want to find some peace.
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