It's hard to be positive when negativity surrounds you

Well I really wanted to post a positive entry tonight but with the blow up recently exhibited between my mother and my brother any positivity I had has disappeared. Today I had two appointments, doctor and psychiatrist. My medications have been adjusted to hopefully help me sleep and help with eating. Who knows if it will work. I have been losing hope for recovery and looking at that light at the end of the tunnel as an oncoming train for quite a bit now and being home hasn't helped. I do not know if it is neurons but today I have just been in a really really bad mood. I feel completely down and depressed. I am tired and I just don't seem to care about anything. I had breakfast but didn't keep that down very well. I had to have lunch because my mom and I went out and again did not keep that down very well and then I had dinner and guess what, didn't keep that down very well either. My emotions are all over the place and my anxiety makes it difficult to keep food down. I look at myself and I hate what I see. The urge to cut has been growing stronger but I have been able to resist it so far. I know I am hurting those who love me but I just can't seem to get this thing under control and my family is not making it easy. I just feel like curling up in a ball and crying. I want to hide from the world and never come out of my hole. Tomorrow we are going down to New Jersey to see my grandmother who is 99 years old and weighs less than that. I know that it is messed up but the fact that her weight is in the 70s makes me want to lose weight even more. I don't know what I am going to do down there. I don't know what I am going to say or how I'm going to act. We will be staying in her house which is not lived in and currently has no heat. When we go to visit her we eat the food they serve at the nursing home which we order and half the time they give us something different and so that sends my anxiety up. I know I am not doing well and I know that this will get worse but I can't seem to muster the ability to care. I feel like I have just given up on life. I don't care about much. I know this is the depression talking and I do not feel this way all the time but tonight I am at a really low point and I don't feel like I can really express it to anyone. There is too much drama going on at home and my boyfriend is worried enough.

This trip to see my grandmother is a disaster waiting to happen. I feel like I am watching one of those movies where you know that behind that door is a murder or some other disaster is coming but am completely unable to do anything about it. I hate this feeling. I hate being like this but that's how things are. Nothing changes with my family. I just have to accept that and stop expecting things to change because it's just not going to happen. I am done. I am just done with this shit. I really wanted to try to be positive tonight but I just can't and the fact that I tried and circumstances beyond my control had such an effect sucks. I am going to stop there because I just can't take it anymore. Tea or hot chocolate may help a bit and will be tried but I don't have much hope.