"We all cling to the past, and because we cling to the past, we become unavailable to the present." - Unknown
As anyone who has been reading this recently knows that I have been struggling. I don't know if I am stuck in the past, I guess I am. I am stuck in the past with my eating disorder. It, he, she seems to have taken on a life of her, his, its own. Ana, as I have been calling her lately, and I have become really close. She's been coming between me and my friends and my boyfriend. Ana stands next to me holding onto me as I walk to class, take a shower, whatever I do. Criticizing me and pointing out all my flaws. Lose more weight she tells me, lose more weight and you will be beautiful, perfect, everyone will love you. Am I clinging to her or is she clinging to me? I really don't know which one it is. Maybe both. I just know that whatever it is I feel like I'm moving backwards into the past. I don't know what to do. I mean I know what I need to do but I don't know what to do. I just want things to be simple but life is never simple and I need to stop clinging to the past.
As anyone who has been reading this recently knows that I have been struggling. I don't know if I am stuck in the past, I guess I am. I am stuck in the past with my eating disorder. It, he, she seems to have taken on a life of her, his, its own. Ana, as I have been calling her lately, and I have become really close. She's been coming between me and my friends and my boyfriend. Ana stands next to me holding onto me as I walk to class, take a shower, whatever I do. Criticizing me and pointing out all my flaws. Lose more weight she tells me, lose more weight and you will be beautiful, perfect, everyone will love you. Am I clinging to her or is she clinging to me? I really don't know which one it is. Maybe both. I just know that whatever it is I feel like I'm moving backwards into the past. I don't know what to do. I mean I know what I need to do but I don't know what to do. I just want things to be simple but life is never simple and I need to stop clinging to the past.
It's hard to find the courage to let go of what you're clinging to unless you have something else to cling to. Whatever that is, even if it's just the tiny seed of knowledge that you are worth more than this, if it's the love of your boyfriend, if it's the grain of doubt in the lies of the eating disorder... cling to it.
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