All I wanted was to be skinny

When this started I just wanted to lose some weight, way back at the beginning. I was sick of being picked on and teased by my family and people at school. But once I started and then got the positive reinforcement I couldn't stop. Now my body is wasting away and I don't know if I have the will to stop it. I am tired all of the time. I am obsessed with numbers. I waste soo much time on numbers, calories, weight, how much of this, how many of that, how long at the gym, how many push-ups, sit-ups, crunches, leg lifts, so on and so forth. I need to get to the root of the problem but I don't really know what that is. I know I have low self-esteem. I know I have body image issues. I know that I struggle with depression. I know that I want to cut and hurt myself in any way. I know that I believe I need to be punished, that happiness always has a cost. I know these are things I need to work on but why now? What triggered it this time? My junior year again. Is is the uncertainty of graduation in a year? I just want to shrink my body. Put it in a nice little package. Make it if into a certain size, a certain image. I need it to be a certain way. I need to be skinny and I will do anything, anything to get there and THAT is the scary thing. I don't care what it takes but I should. I should care. I need to care. I need to do this. My boyfriend came down this weekend and since he was here I had to eat something. And I did. It was hard but I did. But now he is gone and I can go back. I don't have to hide anymore. I can be as skinny as I want. All I have to do is listen. But do I want to listen? Yes and no.

I started eating a lot tonight. It felt like a lot but probably equated to a usual meal but I just ate and ate and for me I think it was a binge. I don't really know though because I  don't know what a normal amount is. All I know is it made me sick, physically and psychologically. I was disgusted with myself. I was ashamed. Why was I doing this? My body needed the food but I will deny it. I will not be ruled by my body. I know that is ED/Ana's voice but her voice and mine are becoming so similar. Our names are the same. Ana and Anna. We can be best friends. She wants to be my best friend, my only friend. But they don't want that. They don't see that she can be nice, Yet even as I write that I know it is a lie. I know she is a liar, but so am I. I have to ask the question am I willing to give up everything for her? I don't know, but I do need to try. Try to fight her. Even though she is so strong and I am so weak. I cannot let her ruin my life, my body. As much as she wants to and I may want to I need to try at least. Try to get better and be a better person than Ana will make me.