Scared and Uncertain

It's no secret that I have not been doing well lately. My weight has dropped and my caloric intake has plummeted. I am cold all the time and tired. I know this is bad but I can't seem to stop myself. A part of me has merged with my eating disorder and ED/Ana is holding on as tightly as she can. I just want to be thin I keep telling myself. I know that people say that I am too thin but I don't believe them and why should I? Ana doesn't think so and I know that what she says is the law. But then I look at what I have just written or often thought and realize how sick and twisted this all is. Slowly starving myself to death, is that really what I want to be doing with my life? I know there are people who care about me and I know it hurts them to see me doing this to myself and I know deep down that it is wrong, but there is that persistent nagging feeling saying no, no they are all liars. You don't need them. They don't tell you the truth. You are fat and ugly and stupid. Lose weight and everything will be okay. But it won't be okay. I know I won't be okay and I don't care. What is wrong with me? I thought that I was stronger than this but I am not. I am so tired that I just want to give in and make it simple, thinking if I give in eventually I may find some peace. I wish that were true but I know it is false and yet I still listen. Why? That is the question that everyone, including myself, asks. Why? I do not know and that scares the hell out of me. If I don't know why I'm doing this how can I figure out a way to get better? How can I fight this? When I stop and really think about it I am terrified of what could go wrong. There is so much uncertainty in my life. Is this one way to make something certain? That I know I can lose weight? Am I trying to take control of something, anything? Yes and no are answers to all those questions. When I went to the health center for my weigh in this week the nurse had me stand on the scale twice. I do blind weights but she didn't believe the number so she wanted to double check. Have I really lost that much weight since last semester? People say I don't look good but I don't see that. I look in the mirror and receive a tirade of all the things wrong with me and how fat and ugly I am. I feel like crap all the time and I would do anything to change that, anything but eat, says Ana. Do I dare disobey her rules? Do I have the guts to defy her? I don't know but I do know that if I don't start doing so soon I will have a lot more things/issues to deal with than I already do and I don't think I can handle that. So, I need to suck it up and start fighting with every ounce of strength I have and pray that it's enough.

All I wanted was to be skinny

When this started I just wanted to lose some weight, way back at the beginning. I was sick of being picked on and teased by my family and people at school. But once I started and then got the positive reinforcement I couldn't stop. Now my body is wasting away and I don't know if I have the will to stop it. I am tired all of the time. I am obsessed with numbers. I waste soo much time on numbers, calories, weight, how much of this, how many of that, how long at the gym, how many push-ups, sit-ups, crunches, leg lifts, so on and so forth. I need to get to the root of the problem but I don't really know what that is. I know I have low self-esteem. I know I have body image issues. I know that I struggle with depression. I know that I want to cut and hurt myself in any way. I know that I believe I need to be punished, that happiness always has a cost. I know these are things I need to work on but why now? What triggered it this time? My junior year again. Is is the uncertainty of graduation in a year? I just want to shrink my body. Put it in a nice little package. Make it if into a certain size, a certain image. I need it to be a certain way. I need to be skinny and I will do anything, anything to get there and THAT is the scary thing. I don't care what it takes but I should. I should care. I need to care. I need to do this. My boyfriend came down this weekend and since he was here I had to eat something. And I did. It was hard but I did. But now he is gone and I can go back. I don't have to hide anymore. I can be as skinny as I want. All I have to do is listen. But do I want to listen? Yes and no.

I started eating a lot tonight. It felt like a lot but probably equated to a usual meal but I just ate and ate and for me I think it was a binge. I don't really know though because I  don't know what a normal amount is. All I know is it made me sick, physically and psychologically. I was disgusted with myself. I was ashamed. Why was I doing this? My body needed the food but I will deny it. I will not be ruled by my body. I know that is ED/Ana's voice but her voice and mine are becoming so similar. Our names are the same. Ana and Anna. We can be best friends. She wants to be my best friend, my only friend. But they don't want that. They don't see that she can be nice, Yet even as I write that I know it is a lie. I know she is a liar, but so am I. I have to ask the question am I willing to give up everything for her? I don't know, but I do need to try. Try to fight her. Even though she is so strong and I am so weak. I cannot let her ruin my life, my body. As much as she wants to and I may want to I need to try at least. Try to get better and be a better person than Ana will make me.

Surprise in the Mirror

Tonight when I went to brush my teeth I saw myself in the mirror and I did not recognize what I saw. For a fleeting moment I think I was seeing with my actual eyes. It was really weird. And kinda scary. Maybe it was a wake up call but we will see how much it will influence me tomorrow. I don't know if I will see with the same eyes tomorrow. I don't know if it help. I hope it will but I don't know. I know that I am pretty deep in my eating disorder right now. Fighting all the time is really tiring. I just don't know what I want anymore. It's so difficult and it's scary because deep down I know that this is life and death and that scares the hell out of me. 

The Scale

As a woman who is struggling and has struggled with an eating disorder I have been warned against getting a scale as it would make life and recovery worse. But I did not listen and I have a scale and I cannot let it go. Everyone says I should get rid of it, that it is only making things worse and that I would get better without it. But I don't think that is true. I think either way it is not great. Without the scale my anxiety would go up because I wouldn't know. I would not know what my weight was and so would be consumed with thoughts of what my weight was. With it I can control my anxiety a bit more by knowing what the weight is. I don't want to give that up. I know I am struggling but I can't give up my scale. I am scared. I know I am scared and I know that my fear is fueling my struggles, not only with my eating disorder but also with my self-harm which has started to emerge again. I feel like I'm falling apart and the semester hasn't even started yet. I'm scared what will happen when the semester does start. However I am taking some classes I am really looking forward to and I hope that will help me. I have talked to my psychology adviser and she knows what is going on and has offered to be a support which is wonderful. I just wish that I could change all of this. I am tired and I just want to find some peace. 

Comfort and Comfort Zone

Lately I've been thinking about my comfort zone and how far food is from that zone. There are certain rules that I have to follow and that is my comfort zone. The funny thing is that my comfort zone does not give me comfort. I cannot get comfort from anything it seems. I am in constant fear. I just want to relax and be happy. I cannot be happy with my eating disorder by my side. So why is it so hard to give up my eating disorder? I want to give up Ana but I don't at the same time. My head is just so full of ... stuff. It never shuts up. I cannot focus. I cannot think clearly. I can't really say anything else right now.