Gym

I really want to work out, the only problem is that I tend to over do it. I really want to work out but I don't want to head downhill again. I really miss being able to work out. I feel fat and gross, disgusting. All I want to do is lose weight but I know I can't do that. I hate my stomach and I hate my legs, I hate my thighs and I hate my chest. My face is fat and my fingers are short. I just want to be skinny and beautiful but I cannot do so. I hate being in my body and just want to rip my skin off. On the outside I look okay but my head is spinning, my thoughts are racing, it won't shut up and I cannot find peace. I just want it to go away and be able to enjoy my life but ED won't let me.

It is sad that eating disorders take so many lives. People don't understand and you can't really understand someone with an ED unless you have been through it yourself. It is not always something that you can control. You may think that you can but it ends up controlling you and that is part of why so many women and men die from ED complications each year. Too many have died with too many people ignorant of the illness. People need to understand that it is not a vanity thing. EDs are misunderstood so often. I know how hard it is for friends to be there for someone with an ED but it is just as hard for the person with the ED. I know as I have been both people. I just needed to rant so yeah.

Wishing this Feeling would Go Away

I can't stand it sometimes. I just feel so gross and ugly and fat. I just want to cut off the excess of fat on my body. Chop those body parts off and get rid of them. I hate how I feel. I hate how I look. I can't stand the fact that I am such a fatty. I know that I may not be actually fat but I can't help the way I feel. ED can add on so many pounds and I just wish I could take them all off. I feel like 120 is waaaaay too much for me. I want to be 100, 90, even 80. I can't stand the way I look and I am such a fatty. I eat too much and indulge in things that I do not deserve. I can't look in the mirror because all I will see is the fat. I hate that I feel this way but I cannot help it. I just can't stand to be in my body. I am so fucking fat. I hate how fat I am. My stomach is gross and my thighs are massive. I can poke my stomach and feel the fat. My boobs are too big and my waist too far around. I just want to go work out and collapse from fatigue because then I will be losing weight and will be punished for eating so much. I had such a big dinner and huge lunch. I should not have eaten today. I don't know why I eat so much. It is soooo bad. I fucking feel so fat.

The Day After Thanksgiving

The day after Thanksgiving hasn't been that bad. I've been doing really well (though I haven't been posting much lately, oops). Yesterday was interesting. I never really like Thanksgiving because of all the food. Holidays are the worst. Food is such a central part of American holidays especially in my house. I was so stuffed yesterday and I hate that feeling. I feel like all I do is eat but I know that's not true. Though I am eating well and following my meal plan the thoughts and feelings still haven't gone away. I still look in the mirror and hate what I see. I look fat and ugly. I know that my view is distorted but still it's hard to argue with what I see. A friend said that I was lighter and smaller than most of the girls on his cheer leading team which was nice but I don't see it. I wish that I could just make it all go away but I can't and that is really frustrating. I don't like feeling hungry but my hunger signals are coming back and it's terrifying. Sometimes I just want to give up and go back to my eating disorder because it feels safe but I know that is not true. I know how harmful it is and how bad it is for me but I can't help it. I just want to feel safe and secure and ED promises that.

Changing the Requirements for Anorexia

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brave-girl-eating/201008/shes-not-skinny-is-she

An important read for those who know or have had any dealings with anorexia.