I am so confused right now. I don't know what I want anymore. I have been restricting and exercising. ED has gotten back in my head, I don't know if he ever left. I don't know if I want to give him up. I look in the mirror and I hate the person I see staring back at me. I just want to lose weight. I want to shrink down to the bone. I hate the excess of fat and flesh. A part of of me knows that this is unhealthy but I don't care. I just want ED to shut up. I am so sick of this. I don't know what to do anymore.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Why Now?
I have always known that my mind is a scary place. Lately I can get no peace. ED is holding my mind hostage. All I want to do is restrict and exercise. I feel like a totally different person. He is telling me to do whatever it takes to lose weight and I don't know how to fight. It has not been this bad for a long time which makes me wonder what has changed?
Right now my life is not bad. Yes there had been a lot of emotional difficulties recently. Friends in trouble, family issues, school stress but my life is finally starting to really come together. Perhaps ED sees that I am really leaving him behind and thus is trying to make his last stand. I have finally found the love of my life. My boyfriend and I are perfect for each other. He really loves me and has opened my eyes to how wonderful life really can be. He has shown me what unconditional love is and can be. My friends have been my family and loved me in the past but this is different. I want to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend and he feels the same way. Why am I letting ED get in the way of that? Why am I letting him back in my when I've been doing really well over the past three or so years? I do not know why but I know that I need to find out and find out fast before I'm too far gone down a path that I will regret.
Right now my life is not bad. Yes there had been a lot of emotional difficulties recently. Friends in trouble, family issues, school stress but my life is finally starting to really come together. Perhaps ED sees that I am really leaving him behind and thus is trying to make his last stand. I have finally found the love of my life. My boyfriend and I are perfect for each other. He really loves me and has opened my eyes to how wonderful life really can be. He has shown me what unconditional love is and can be. My friends have been my family and loved me in the past but this is different. I want to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend and he feels the same way. Why am I letting ED get in the way of that? Why am I letting him back in my when I've been doing really well over the past three or so years? I do not know why but I know that I need to find out and find out fast before I'm too far gone down a path that I will regret.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Bumps on the road
I have learned that the mirror lies. That love can conquer all if given the chance. That the scale is not my friend. That as much as ED tells me otherwise, I need to eat.
I have been really struggling lately. ED has been fighting my recovery and doing really well. He has been coming between me and my boyfriend a lot lately. We've been having so many more fights. I can watch him take over and see the personality changes. This needs to stop now! I cannot keep living like this.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Failure
So often I feel like a total failure. A failure of a sister, a failure of a daughter, a failure of a friend and girlfriend. If I can't do it perfectly then I fail. I don't know when this sense of failure started. I know I can't have been born with it, so where did it come from? As a child I don't remember this feeling or the fear that I was not good enough.
I don't know when it started and I don't know why. I wish that I did so I could work on getting over this but nothing worthwhile in life comes easy so I will have to try to find another way to deal with these feelings. It makes sense the the pitfalls of perfectionism play a role in my feelings of failure. Closely tied to the feeling of failing is another well known emotion for me, guilt.
Failure, perfectionism and guilt are so interwoven that I do not always know where one starts and the other begins. I know that guilt can be good but too much is bad. Everything in moderation the saying goes. Yet I have to ask is there ever a moderate amount of perfectionism? -- But I am getting side tracked. Guilt permeates my life. I feel guilty for everything. Everything is my fault, or so I feel but that I one of the most self-centered beliefs I hold, another part of myself chimes in. Who am I to think that the whole world revolves around in such a way that everything bad that happens is caused by me? And so the cycle of guilt continues. I need to stop this cycle but I just don't know where to begin.
I look at my life and my feelings and everything and just feel so overwhelmed. Where do I start fixing myself? Where do I begin? How do I recognize what emotion I am feeling? SO many questions. I just get scared and don't want to deal with it. I run away and turn to ED because I know he will make things easier. With ED I can succeed. My success and failure is measured by the scale. It is tangible, clear cut. There is a solid answer to a solid question: did I lose weight, am I reaching that goal weight, am I working out? I run to ED because he is easy, he is known. There is certainty with ED that I have not found elsewhere. But I need to face facts and see ED for what he is. And I need not to be looking at life in terms of failure and success but look at it as something else. Failure is falling and staying down. I guess it's back to the basics, back to being a child because the little child learning to walk doesn't get discouraged when she falls but has her cry and then pushes herself right back up and tries again.
I don't know when it started and I don't know why. I wish that I did so I could work on getting over this but nothing worthwhile in life comes easy so I will have to try to find another way to deal with these feelings. It makes sense the the pitfalls of perfectionism play a role in my feelings of failure. Closely tied to the feeling of failing is another well known emotion for me, guilt.
Failure, perfectionism and guilt are so interwoven that I do not always know where one starts and the other begins. I know that guilt can be good but too much is bad. Everything in moderation the saying goes. Yet I have to ask is there ever a moderate amount of perfectionism? -- But I am getting side tracked. Guilt permeates my life. I feel guilty for everything. Everything is my fault, or so I feel but that I one of the most self-centered beliefs I hold, another part of myself chimes in. Who am I to think that the whole world revolves around in such a way that everything bad that happens is caused by me? And so the cycle of guilt continues. I need to stop this cycle but I just don't know where to begin.
I look at my life and my feelings and everything and just feel so overwhelmed. Where do I start fixing myself? Where do I begin? How do I recognize what emotion I am feeling? SO many questions. I just get scared and don't want to deal with it. I run away and turn to ED because I know he will make things easier. With ED I can succeed. My success and failure is measured by the scale. It is tangible, clear cut. There is a solid answer to a solid question: did I lose weight, am I reaching that goal weight, am I working out? I run to ED because he is easy, he is known. There is certainty with ED that I have not found elsewhere. But I need to face facts and see ED for what he is. And I need not to be looking at life in terms of failure and success but look at it as something else. Failure is falling and staying down. I guess it's back to the basics, back to being a child because the little child learning to walk doesn't get discouraged when she falls but has her cry and then pushes herself right back up and tries again.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Perfection Is My Enemy
I heard this line in a song recently and was struck by the truth of it. I know that in treatment we are told this but honestly all the things in treatment don't really sink in until we are ready to accept them. Sometimes we have to make mistakes to see the truth in what we are told and fortunately for me I've made lots of mistakes. I am trying to fight ED but my will to fight is so weak right now. Every time I look in the mirror I just see how fat and ugly I am. I just want to shrink my body. I want to be skinny. I want to have not fat. I am keeping my intake just under a thousand calories. I know this isn't enough. I have ensure plus and that is what is mostly fueling my body right now. I hate it but when I try to eat I just hear ED screaming at me. I hear him all the time. I am not being honest with myself or with others.
Honesty is so hard right now. All I want to do is hide. I can't tell people what is going on. I need to keep it to myself because I know others will stop me and right now I don't want to be stopped. I just want to lose weight. I want this so badly. I can't stop these thoughts. I don't want to eat. I don't know how it got this bad again. I am lying to people again. I will do anything to not eat. I just want to be skinny. I know I need to fight this but it's so hard.
Honesty is so hard right now. All I want to do is hide. I can't tell people what is going on. I need to keep it to myself because I know others will stop me and right now I don't want to be stopped. I just want to lose weight. I want this so badly. I can't stop these thoughts. I don't want to eat. I don't know how it got this bad again. I am lying to people again. I will do anything to not eat. I just want to be skinny. I know I need to fight this but it's so hard.
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