Step 1

I am powerless over ED and self-harm. For years both have ruled my life. I have been in recovery from both for three years and it has taken three years for me to be able to confidently and firmly believe this. I still struggle with both. I have found that when I have wrestled one to the ground the other becomes much stronger and takes over. I admit that I need help and I have gotten help but it is not over. I have gone on now for one or two years thinking that I do not need help anymore but I see now that I do. Life throws things at me, and at everyone I know, and I just cannot work through it alone. I have never really been alone but I know now that I need to ask for help and accept it when it is offered. My life was a mess when I first went into treatment in 2008 and it remained that way until the end of 2008 after three inpatient ED treatments and two psychiatric unit stays. I am working to take back my life and become happy again.

Trying Something New

The 12 Steps of Alcoholic Anonymous

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable(you can replace alcohol with addiction, gambling ect...) Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

Meal Plan 06/13/11

Breakfast:

Wheaties

Soy Milk

Cream

1 Fat, 1 Dairy, 1 Starch

Lunch:

2 scrambled eggs

Toast w/butter

Yogurt w/granola

2 Protein, 2 Starch, 2 Fat

Snack:

Strawberries

Crackers and Smoked Salmon

Juice

2 Fruit, 1 Starch, 1 Protein

Dinner:

Pork Chop

Chocolate Soy Milk

Rice

Salad w/dressing

Broccoli

2 Starch, 3 Protein, 1 Dairy Protein, 1 Fat, 2 Vegetable

Total: 6 Protein, 3 Dairy Protein, 2 Vegetable, 2 Fruit, 5 Fat, 6 Starch

A New Start

I have been in recovery from an Eating Disorder and self-harm for three years now. I have had my ups and downs since then. I recently went back to my first and third treatment center for the Reunion and while I was there I came up with the idea for this blog. I have written on different places before but I want to become more dedicated to my recovery and use this as one of my tools. This is meant to be a place where I can reflect and work towards a better life. Looking in a mirror provides a new view, a different way of looking at things and that is what this is.

Feelings

Will these feelings ever go away? Will I ever be able to eat without feeling guilty? Will I ever be able to look in a mirror and not cringe? It's been several years and though behaviors are better the thoughts still come and come and come. I get so tired of listening but I can't stop. I just want to be left in peace. Shall I ever be at peace with myself and be able to be happy?