“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”
― Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!
“we accept the love we think we deserve.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
My mind feels like it is going everywhere at once. There is no one thread that links my thoughts. I am here and there. I am tired and exhilarated at the same time. I am everything and nothing. I want to be happy and healthy and whole but I feel broken into tiny pieces and I don't even know if they are all there to put me back together again. I guess for me this is part of the process of recovery. I know that ED/Ana broke down and apart the person that I was. I do not even know who that person was. I do not fully know who I AM and for someone who likes to be in control of things, that is a scary feeling. I know that I can decide who I am and who I choose to be but I am a very indecisive person. With ED/Ana I knew exactly what I did and who I was. I was the girl who did not eat, who went to the gym for at least an hour, more often an hour and a half. I was the girl who stood on the scale multiple times a day. I was the girl with the incredible self-control. I was the girl who was envious of everyone around me. I was the girl who was here but was not really here. I was the girl who was terrified of her own shadow and so sought to make that shadow disappear. There was certainty with ED/Ana, a clear and definite path. Now I have hips. I have breasts. I take up space. I am messy and dealing with messy emotions. I have thighs. I have power and a voice. I have a body. But I do not have a set path anymore. I do not have the clear rules. I do not have the defined categories. I feel like my life is unraveling but in reality, it is just beginning.
I am no longer chained to death. I have free will. I have choice. I have a chance at life. I can be free of fear of food. I still feel that pull towards that old path but I know I don't have to go down it. Instead, I CHOOSE to go to school, to take classes and throw myself into my course work and my job and my friendships and relationship with my boyfriend, to in essence throw myself into life. I am getting ready to go back to school and this will be a new beginning, a chance to make the most of my final year at school. I don't want to waste time on ED/Ana. I am going to choose health, happiness and recovery.
― Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!
“we accept the love we think we deserve.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
My mind feels like it is going everywhere at once. There is no one thread that links my thoughts. I am here and there. I am tired and exhilarated at the same time. I am everything and nothing. I want to be happy and healthy and whole but I feel broken into tiny pieces and I don't even know if they are all there to put me back together again. I guess for me this is part of the process of recovery. I know that ED/Ana broke down and apart the person that I was. I do not even know who that person was. I do not fully know who I AM and for someone who likes to be in control of things, that is a scary feeling. I know that I can decide who I am and who I choose to be but I am a very indecisive person. With ED/Ana I knew exactly what I did and who I was. I was the girl who did not eat, who went to the gym for at least an hour, more often an hour and a half. I was the girl who stood on the scale multiple times a day. I was the girl with the incredible self-control. I was the girl who was envious of everyone around me. I was the girl who was here but was not really here. I was the girl who was terrified of her own shadow and so sought to make that shadow disappear. There was certainty with ED/Ana, a clear and definite path. Now I have hips. I have breasts. I take up space. I am messy and dealing with messy emotions. I have thighs. I have power and a voice. I have a body. But I do not have a set path anymore. I do not have the clear rules. I do not have the defined categories. I feel like my life is unraveling but in reality, it is just beginning.
I am no longer chained to death. I have free will. I have choice. I have a chance at life. I can be free of fear of food. I still feel that pull towards that old path but I know I don't have to go down it. Instead, I CHOOSE to go to school, to take classes and throw myself into my course work and my job and my friendships and relationship with my boyfriend, to in essence throw myself into life. I am getting ready to go back to school and this will be a new beginning, a chance to make the most of my final year at school. I don't want to waste time on ED/Ana. I am going to choose health, happiness and recovery.
So glad to read this. I'm super proud of you. YOU ARE FREEEEEE. Love you sweet girl <3
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