I am a compilation of complex anomalies and paradoxes. I am private but I will open up with certain people a write a blog for anyone who wants to see it. I like food but I hate and fear it. I want to be sexy and attractive but I don't want to be seen as just my body and I don't like it when guys "check me out." I was raised Catholic but became pagan. I love nature but hate weeding though I love gardens. I am OCD but it comes in waves between which I find myself surrounded by mess. I want to have adventure but I don't want to be out of my comfort zone.
Living with an active eating disorder is like living life as the perpetual answering machine. People send or leave messages and hope that they get heard. You act automatically and often with no tone of personality. You are generic and have just a very limited amount of memory before it becomes "filled," after that nothing gets through. You are meant to be connected and plugged into the world, an mean of communication, much like the body is meant as a means of communication. You filter out information and receive only a small chunk of it. Well I want to be more than an answering machine, more than an automated response. I want to go, not back but forward towards those complexities and anomalies. I want to be the complicated living organism that I am. I want to scream to the world that I WILL NOT STAY DOWN! I WILL NOT ACCEPT ANOTHERS DEFINITION OF BEAUTY OR WHO I AM! This is my life and I may not think or feel that I deserve better but I know that if I was talking to another person I would say exactly that. It is time to start taking my own advice. It is time for me to try living outside that comfort zone. ED has shrunk my comfort zone to essentially nothing, which is why everything causes me anxiety. I know that it will be hard to step across that line and it has been hard pushing those boundaries that ED installed for me, but I also know that it will be worth it; it is worth it. I know where ED wants to and will lead me given the chance. I have been there and have absolutely no desire to go back there. My life is more valuable than that. I know that I need to set concrete goals for myself and hold myself to them. It may be that I don't meet some but that is another goal, learning to tolerate not accomplishing and completing everything I set out to do. I want to be able to make mistakes without feeling like a total failure. I want to get messy and be able to handle the messiness of life without turning to ED grasping at some form of control or punishment. The realization that food is not a reward or punishment seems so foreign to me. Food is just, well, food. It provides energy and I nourishment for my body. It keeps my brain and organ functioning. It is part of life and living. I do not need to shrink myself down to be heard. I do not need to try to make myself invisible because I feel invisible. I can use my voice. If others do not hear me, I can still use my voice rather than giving up and staying quiet. I have a right to my opinions and holding everything inside for fear of upsetting someone or hurting them does no one any good. I am not responsible for that actions or reactions of others. I can only be accountable for myself. I have learned this and it is one of the lessons I continue to learn everyday.
Living with an active eating disorder is like living life as the perpetual answering machine. People send or leave messages and hope that they get heard. You act automatically and often with no tone of personality. You are generic and have just a very limited amount of memory before it becomes "filled," after that nothing gets through. You are meant to be connected and plugged into the world, an mean of communication, much like the body is meant as a means of communication. You filter out information and receive only a small chunk of it. Well I want to be more than an answering machine, more than an automated response. I want to go, not back but forward towards those complexities and anomalies. I want to be the complicated living organism that I am. I want to scream to the world that I WILL NOT STAY DOWN! I WILL NOT ACCEPT ANOTHERS DEFINITION OF BEAUTY OR WHO I AM! This is my life and I may not think or feel that I deserve better but I know that if I was talking to another person I would say exactly that. It is time to start taking my own advice. It is time for me to try living outside that comfort zone. ED has shrunk my comfort zone to essentially nothing, which is why everything causes me anxiety. I know that it will be hard to step across that line and it has been hard pushing those boundaries that ED installed for me, but I also know that it will be worth it; it is worth it. I know where ED wants to and will lead me given the chance. I have been there and have absolutely no desire to go back there. My life is more valuable than that. I know that I need to set concrete goals for myself and hold myself to them. It may be that I don't meet some but that is another goal, learning to tolerate not accomplishing and completing everything I set out to do. I want to be able to make mistakes without feeling like a total failure. I want to get messy and be able to handle the messiness of life without turning to ED grasping at some form of control or punishment. The realization that food is not a reward or punishment seems so foreign to me. Food is just, well, food. It provides energy and I nourishment for my body. It keeps my brain and organ functioning. It is part of life and living. I do not need to shrink myself down to be heard. I do not need to try to make myself invisible because I feel invisible. I can use my voice. If others do not hear me, I can still use my voice rather than giving up and staying quiet. I have a right to my opinions and holding everything inside for fear of upsetting someone or hurting them does no one any good. I am not responsible for that actions or reactions of others. I can only be accountable for myself. I have learned this and it is one of the lessons I continue to learn everyday.
Proud of you, sweet girl. You are a fighter, and your voice will be heard. Also, do you remember that group where we just banged on instruments and screamed? That's what I just thought of when I read this-- seeing using your voice as a LIBERATING experience that sets you free of the shackles of Ed. (Aka you are only as sick as your secrets... once you start allowing yourself to have a voice and not fear being ignored or, even worse, fear being heard, you set yourself free). You are a rockstar, and I know you'll make it. Keep on keeping on <3 Sending love and prayers your way. Keep on being a beautiful contradiction-- you are special and valuable and deserve to heal and be heard.
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