Full, Fat, and Nauseous

Ugh, feel like i'm going to burst. really nauseous. feel like i'm going to throw up. fuck. so full just want to never eat again.

Thoughts that Don't Go Away

Fat, bloated, ugly, gross-thoughts and words flow through my head

Cannot turn off

Cannot shut down

Filled to the brim and uncomfortable

Just wanting to give up,

Throw up

Stop eating

Starve,

Lose weight,

Go home and die.

Jess, Julia and countless others

So many have been taken down eating disorders. It's so bad. I miss these two gorgeous women so much. They brought to much joy to those who knew them. It's so sad that a people should be taken down by something that could be helped. I wish that we could all go back in time and warn our younger selves about the journey we were starting down. Love you my angels!!!!

Food and Feelings I

Does it always have to be this way, food the enemy? Will I always feel the need to be punished for eating? Will certain foods always scare me? Will I always feel the need to exercise after certain foods? Will the need to get out of my skin, out of my body ever really end? I just don't know what to do. Slowly getting my hunger signals back is terrifying. I do not want to feel "hungry". What does it mean to be hungry? Why do I need to feel it? I am not hungry. I can deny myself still. I am very good at denying. Yes I am.

Back to Restricting

Been having a lot of urges and thoughts. It's really hard. I feel like I'm slipping. I started restricting again and I can't get back on track. I feel guilty for eating the little food that I do eat. My stomach is stuffed and I just can't eat.